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Bereavement needs a home
When a person dies, he or she is seen as a disturbance of our normal, everyday life. In most cases, the bereaved just stand by helplessly while the "disturbance" is quickly and unobtrusively removed.
We have surrounded death with a taboo and thus isolated the dead and bereaved from society. Moreover: Hardly anyone knows that mourning is not just a passing affliction but rather an important process of coming to terms with loss and separation, which, if consciously confronted, not only teaches us to cope with the loss but also strengthens our personality and gives us new vitality.
On the other hand, repressing or stifling emotions of mourning can have devastating consequences for the emotional and physical health of the bereaved.
That is why we must learn to accept such emotions again and to grant the reality of death a place in life. Hardly anyone expects death to be imminent; virtually nobody has learnt how to deal with death.
Right here, in the social no man's land between the living and the dead, we see important new tasks for people working on the threshold of life - that's how we see our work as providers of funeral services and bereavement support.
In this booklet we want to familiarize you with a different attitude towards bereavement, which we at Pütz-Roth would like to encourage. This is a first step towards a new culture of bereavement.
We have surrounded death with a taboo and thus isolated the dead and bereaved from society. Moreover: Hardly anyone knows that mourning is not just a passing affliction but rather an important process of coming to terms with loss and separation, which, if consciously confronted, not only teaches us to cope with the loss but also strengthens our personality and gives us new vitality.
On the other hand, repressing or stifling emotions of mourning can have devastating consequences for the emotional and physical health of the bereaved.
That is why we must learn to accept such emotions again and to grant the reality of death a place in life. Hardly anyone expects death to be imminent; virtually nobody has learnt how to deal with death.
Right here, in the social no man's land between the living and the dead, we see important new tasks for people working on the threshold of life - that's how we see our work as providers of funeral services and bereavement support.
In this booklet we want to familiarize you with a different attitude towards bereavement, which we at Pütz-Roth would like to encourage. This is a first step towards a new culture of bereavement.
Tasks on the Threshold of Life
As a rule, The death of a human being triggers a well-oiled machinery, and after the funeral, when the undertaker considers his work done, this machinery stops all of a sudden.
This is when an inevitable feeling of great emptiness sets in, and the bereaved can sit down quietly for the first time and gradually realize what has happened.
The private circle, family and friends react with unease.
After offering their condolences, they are uncertain about how to communicate with the bereaved, which again results in reticence.
The bereaved are all alone and feel unable to approach people of their own accord. The shock of their loss is too great, as is their confusion brought on by what is frequently a great upheaval of their entire way of life.
This is where our concept of a new attitude towards bereavement comes into it.
Contrary to the widespread notion of the undertaker as a funeral service provider, we see our primary task in guiding the bereaved through the difficult time of reorientation after the loss of a person.
This is when an inevitable feeling of great emptiness sets in, and the bereaved can sit down quietly for the first time and gradually realize what has happened.
The private circle, family and friends react with unease.
After offering their condolences, they are uncertain about how to communicate with the bereaved, which again results in reticence.
The bereaved are all alone and feel unable to approach people of their own accord. The shock of their loss is too great, as is their confusion brought on by what is frequently a great upheaval of their entire way of life.
This is where our concept of a new attitude towards bereavement comes into it.
Contrary to the widespread notion of the undertaker as a funeral service provider, we see our primary task in guiding the bereaved through the difficult time of reorientation after the loss of a person.
The Necessity of Adequate Support
Bereavement is neither a mystery, a solitary fate nor a disease.
Due to our experience in bereavement support, we know exactly what process the bereaved go through on dealing with their loss and what particular support they need at what point in time.
We help the bereaved consciously confront their bereavement, offer them sympathy and active support in coping with everyday life. We want to boost and, where necessary, help rebuild their confidence and self-confidence, so that perspectives for a way out of their mourning become visible and take on a concrete shape.
Due to our experience in bereavement support, we know exactly what process the bereaved go through on dealing with their loss and what particular support they need at what point in time.
We help the bereaved consciously confront their bereavement, offer them sympathy and active support in coping with everyday life. We want to boost and, where necessary, help rebuild their confidence and self-confidence, so that perspectives for a way out of their mourning become visible and take on a concrete shape.
Death as a Subject for the Living
Our "don't touch" attitude towards the dead is, results, for the most part, from our persistent rejection of the subject until it affects us. By organizing conferences, events and exhibitions on the subject, Pütz-Roth wants to help dissipate the reluctance of the living to talk about death. We would be glad to provide you with information on our programme on request.
Saying Goodbye as a New Start
The bereaved are almost inevitably denied access to the dead. This often makes it impossible for the bereaved to take the time they need for saying goodbye.
However, saying goodbye plays a decisive role for grasping the reality of death in the presence of the dead.
We encourage the bereaved to take their time for saying goodbye. In our House of Human Encounter we have created rooms, where the bereaved can say goodbye; light, friendly rooms, which offer the relatives and friends of the dead a relaxed atmosphere for their personal farewells.
There the bereaved can spend last hours or days with the dead according to their own wishes and feelings.
For example, they can listen to the deceased's favourite music in his or her presence, put up favourite pictures or watch video recordings of shared experiences. They can paint the coffin and collect or make their own burial gifts - an idea for children; they can also create death masks.
While doing so, those present almost subconsciously experience the consolation and hope conveyed by the sight of the resting, peaceful face of the dead.
However, saying goodbye plays a decisive role for grasping the reality of death in the presence of the dead.
We encourage the bereaved to take their time for saying goodbye. In our House of Human Encounter we have created rooms, where the bereaved can say goodbye; light, friendly rooms, which offer the relatives and friends of the dead a relaxed atmosphere for their personal farewells.
There the bereaved can spend last hours or days with the dead according to their own wishes and feelings.
For example, they can listen to the deceased's favourite music in his or her presence, put up favourite pictures or watch video recordings of shared experiences. They can paint the coffin and collect or make their own burial gifts - an idea for children; they can also create death masks.
While doing so, those present almost subconsciously experience the consolation and hope conveyed by the sight of the resting, peaceful face of the dead.
The Significance of Rites for the Bereaved
We often see that the bereaved make a passive almost paralysed impression. They accept the undertaker's promise to "see to everything", thus depriving themselves of an opportunity to advance their own process of mourning by taking an active part in preparing, organizing and arranging the funeral.
Pütz-Roth encourages the bereaved to help lay the body to rest and inter the coffin, to contribute creatively towards organizing funeral arrangements and designing the notice of death. This means that they do not have to face their bereavement with paralysing inertia.
Pütz-Roth encourages the bereaved to help lay the body to rest and inter the coffin, to contribute creatively towards organizing funeral arrangements and designing the notice of death. This means that they do not have to face their bereavement with paralysing inertia.
Support on the Way to a New Life
After the funeral comes the time of reorientation. Nothing is like it was before; life and the world around us have to be reorganized and re-experienced. In this difficult phase, we must take a special approach to the bereaved and offer them support, sympathy and consolation.
We know that it isn't enough to be available on the phone. The bereaved need a personal approach, this is something we owe them as providers of bereavement support.
In addition to personal support we try to promote communication between those affected through seminars and by founding discussion and self-help groups, to open up new perspectives in life.
We hope that this booklet was able to show you how important a conscious confrontation of bereavement is - and we are well aware that the better road often isn't the easiest to travel.
Not evading this confrontation with death can not only spare us emotional suffering. This confrontation will also help us come to grips with our own mortality.
We know that it isn't enough to be available on the phone. The bereaved need a personal approach, this is something we owe them as providers of bereavement support.
In addition to personal support we try to promote communication between those affected through seminars and by founding discussion and self-help groups, to open up new perspectives in life.
We hope that this booklet was able to show you how important a conscious confrontation of bereavement is - and we are well aware that the better road often isn't the easiest to travel.
Not evading this confrontation with death can not only spare us emotional suffering. This confrontation will also help us come to grips with our own mortality.
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